I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
