This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
