You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Sorry about my life...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
