We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
