White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
