I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Fuck appropriateness.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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