Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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