so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
