I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
