im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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