I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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