Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
