what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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