I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
