I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
