so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
