You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
