I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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