Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
