I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
People in love make me want to vomit
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
