When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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