Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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