I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
