Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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