god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
