so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
