Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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