I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
