my phone needs a breathalizer
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
