Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
