zippers are such a cool invention
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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