just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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