Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
