I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Ketchup is God's man juice
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
