Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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