just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
