does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
