So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
