He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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