dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
there was a trapeze. enough said
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
