Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
