I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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