: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
