Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
