I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
