dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
