Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
