I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
