I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
