I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
